ONCE UPON A GENE - EPISODE 027 - Therapy Check-in with Rose Reif
My next guest, Rose Reif, is a very special therapist with over 20 years of experience helping people with disabilities and their families. Imagine talking to a therapist who knows your language and the jargon you use- it's comforting to know someone like her exists. She has so much understanding and her approach to mental health for our world is gentle and insightful.
EPISODE HIGHLIGHTS
Tell me about what you do and why you do it.
About 17 years ago, I graduated from the University of North Carolina and I was working as a case manager in an independent living department of adults with a range of disabilities. I loved the role and work, but I found there weren't many mental health services geared towards adults with disabilities. When I recognized the need, I went back to UNC, got through grad school and started a counseling practice. I originally intended to work with adults with disabilities, but I began receiving calls from parents who wanted to see me as a parent trying to support their child. All this time later, my practice is about 50% working with adults with rare genetic orders and 50% working with caregivers, parents and siblings. If you have a disability or love someone with a disability, you're welcome.
What are some warning signs that we should be looking for to indicate we should seek professional help?
Parents often say that they've pushed and pushed for a finish line that was never there. This isn't a sprint, it's a marathon. Ask yourself if something could be easier, if you can be handling things better and if you could use new skills and supports?
What are some simple tools or reminders that we can use when trauma and worry becomes too consuming?
You cannot pour from an empty cup. You cannot keep pushing and trying to give everything you have to everyone else, to hold it together, to be the glue for your family because at some point your cup is going to crack. Parents get stuck sometimes and I always encourage a mindset shift. It could be running, yoga, scrapbooking, watching old movies-- do something that makes you feel better. The key is to believe that it's important for you to do it every day. You likely weren't expecting this in your journey as a parent or in life, so think how you can incorporate that but also keep this trajectory going.
Is there a common thread among the adults with disabilities that you talk to that we as parents can change now?
Depression at a fundamental level is being stuck in the past and anxiety is being stuck in the future and unable to focus on the moment. Among a lot of the young adults I work with, their parents tried to shelter them from making difficult decisions or having to do things for themselves. With the parents I work with, I'm a big proponent of taking little steps today to help their child be independent one day. Be intentional and think about giving your child some opportunities to do for themselves and accept that it won't be perfect. In the long run, it will give them more sense of control, confidence and self-worth.
What are your top tips for parents who need to create boundaries?
A lot of people feel that stress but aren't brave enough to set the boundary and be willing to miss out on something. Compassion fatigue is what we call a vicarious trauma. You are not the one injured, but you're watching someone you love go through trauma. What parents generally describe is not burnout, but it's more a feeling of not getting things right, an inability to keep up, overwhelm by what's ahead and they may feel a mix of resentment and numbness. One of the best things to do if you're feeling that way is to cut back on the amount of things you have to care about. Also, don't get hung up on whatever everyone else is doing.
For parents and caregivers, how can we bring balance into our lives?
A few times per day, take five minutes to observe your natural breath. Then, focus on breathing deeper as a practice. Set alarms on your phone or put notes around the house. Find little ways to keep reminding yourself to keep a positive mindset. I wrote an article on progressive muscle relaxation, which walks you through breathing deeply and tightening and releasing your muscles in a specific order. This only takes a few minutes per day and it reduces hypertension, risk of disease and anxiety.
What would you like to share with caregivers and parents who are struggling right now?
Find whatever it is that gives you hope, talk with a therapist or connect with another parent and get away from the noise for at least five minutes a day to breathe deeply and not focus on anything else. We live in an age where self-care is a glossy, expensive thing that's very Instagram worthy, but that's not what self-care is. Whatever you do for self-care needs to be as consistent as brushing your teeth in the morning.
LINKS AND RESOURCES MENTIONED
Progressive Muscle Relaxation: A Terrific Relaxation Technique for People with Disabilities
TUNE INTO THE ONCE UPON A GENE PODCAST
CONNECT WITH EFFIE PARKS