ONCE UPON A GENE - EPISODE 006 - The Dadurday Chronicles
I'm talking to Superman himself- Ford's dad, Casey. I wanted to share his experience as a dad raising a rare kiddo. We don't hear a lot from the male perspective, so he's sharing his experience as a dad and caregiver.
EPISODE HIGHLIGHTS
What's your favorite part about being a dad?
Tickling them! Just their smiles. Every time you do something and see the joys in their eyes and how happy you've made them, that's the best feeling in the world.
We have a difference in how we handle Ford's health where we aren't both stressers, but when I'm stressed you seem you're not too worried about things. Do you think it's common for male caregivers not to worry as much?
I think it's just a difference in how we process stress and deal with the issues. The stress is still there. I freak out out inside, but I deal with it differently. I think it's good that we both have a different perspective so that if I'm burying my head in the sand too much about something, you bring me back. And hopefully when you're worried about something, I can do the same and bring you back down.
When Ford was 4 months old and admitted to the hospital for failure to thrive, how did you feel when I told you about the doctor's appointment where they told me Ford had Microcephaly?
There were a lot of different things going on. There was definitely a piece of it where I was in denial to a degree and thinking the doctor was wrong. I was also livid with the way she presented it to you. I was extremely angry because she said it to you so bluntly and with so little information and that's not the way to talk to anybody, much less a parent in that sort of situation. I was pretty frustrated. I wasn't as scared at that point because I wasn't allowing myself to believe that the doctor was right.
As a dad, how do you feel alongside your buddies that have kids?
That's tough. A few of us have young kids in my work group. I was working in district court at the time when you were pregnant with Ford and there were three attorneys and a supervisor in that group, all waiting for kids and they all had their babies before us. Outside of work, some of my good friends also had kids around the same time. It was difficult relating to them and talking to them because there's a real feeling that you shouldn't complain or put your worries on other people. Often, I just wouldn't tell my friends about the things that were going on with Ford. I would use my relationships to step back, interact with something else and do something else. I don't know that it was the healthiest way to deal with it, internalizing a lot of stuff. I used my relationships separate from this, but it was tough to see and it still is.
Why haven't you sought out any friendship groups with guys who do have kids like Ford? Do you think that would be helpful for you?
I don't know if it would necessarily be what I need. If I were to develop a relationship with someone that had a similar condition and I was friends with them because of who they were, that would be great. But even though I'm comfortable with Ford's condition now, it's still not something that I would talk to my friends about. If I had a friend going through something like this, I do think it would bring us a lot closer. Right now, what's super important for me is family. It's also important to point out that our families have been amazing and we have a family base that I've been able to tap into. People that don't have that are probably more likely to look to other dads that have similar issues.
Do you mourn the things you thought you'd be doing with Ford by now?
Yes, every day. Every time I get to pick Esme up and do something with her that I can't do with Ford, it always hurts. I remember a couple weeks ago, I picked Esme up and started flying her around the condo like an airplane and she was laughing and having so much fun. I remembered that when Ford was a little older than what she is now, I tried to do the same thing with him and he couldn't enjoy it and didn't understand. That was one of those times it sunk into me that maybe I'm not going to get to do all the things I thought I was going to. When I did it with Esme, it was so much fun but it also hurts.
What do you need as the parent working outside of the home and not going to as many appointments?
One of the big ones is to take care of my sweet wife. I know what a hard job it is to stay at home with the kids. My job as a trial attorney is a stressful job and I do have to deal with that sometimes. Every Saturday I'm with the kids for Dadurday. I take it as a time for me to recharge. Often we just have a couch potato day and play with the kids because I need that. Sometimes I truly get burned out and I need one or two days or nights to come home and read a book or play a game and not focus on all the things we do on a day-to-day basis because it's a no-break situation.
How has having a kid like Ford changed how you parent Esme, who's typically developing?
Ford has taught me to love more and be more accepting and really just opened up my heart in ways I never understood before. I think anytime someone comes into your life and re-teaches you how to love- that's going to make you a better parent. I don't take a single thing for granted that we do with Esme. It's also taught me a lot of patience.
What are your goals for our kids and family?
The long game is always going to be difficult with a kiddo like Ford. If his pain gets worse or anything like that scares me a little. I look forward to seeing Ford hit some of the mile markers we're waiting for and that I believe he's going to hit. The first time he picks up a book and can read it, that would be amazing. I want him to be as mobile and in control as he can be, either by walking or in a wheelchair. With Esme, she's so young that it's tough to know what she's going to do and how she's going to grow. It's going to be fun to watch her develop and all the normal things. She's going to have a benefit in that she's going to learn early on how to love in a different way and be appreciative of what she has because Ford is going to give that to her.
Is there something you've learned that you think you can pass on to other dads on this journey?
Take time for yourself when you need it and grow to understand when that is. When you're burned out and need a minute, take that for yourself. You're not going to do yourself, your kid or your spouse any favors when you're burned out and have a bad attitude. Take care of your spouse and take care of the ones who take care of you.
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