ONCE UPON A GENE - EPISODE 009 - The Washington State Fathers Network
Along my own journey, I've felt passionate about capturing the perspective of fathers, grandfathers and other male caregivers. As moms, we may have an easier time connecting with other moms at therapy, school and on social media. My husband, a father with a child with complex needs has had a different experience than I have. I want to ensure we're both taking care of ourselves individually. I'm constantly reading Facebook posts about moms wishing there was someone for their husbands to talk to about their child with healthcare needs.
Louis Mendoza, the Manager of The Fathers Network, is helping to give a powerful voice to men who have children with healthcare needs. Some of his work involves connecting men with each other socially, providing them with resources, telling their story, advocating for change and promoting inclusion in their communities.
EPISODE HIGHLIGHTS
How does coming from a background of having typically developing children put you in the Director platform for the Fathers Network?
I spent the early part of my career on the corporate side as a corporate trainer focused on training individuals to be supervisors. Then at one point, I became a stay-at-home dad and did that for over ten years. When the kids were old enough to be in school full time, I realized I had six hours or so of my day where I could be helping out with the family income. To get around the problem of not having to worry about daycare during school breaks, I decided I'd go to work for the school district to have pretty much the same schedule my kids had. The school district invited me to interview for a job in the special needs contained learning center. With no background or experience with children with special healthcare needs, I was very intimidated. I interviewed, got the job, did it for ten years and really liked it. I liked being involved with the special needs community and really liked working with the parents. While I was working with fourth, fifth and sixth graders at Woodmoor Elementary in the Northshore School District, I was introduced to Kindering and began doing some volunteer work there and eventually began working for the Fathers Network.
In several of my moms groups, we talk about not knowing what the dads are going through, that we're alone, that they don't talk much and the Fathers Network is great for bringing them together.
It's a challenge to get men to be involved with something like this and there's no real good answer for how to engage them. The Fathers Network was established in 1978 and was started as an assignment for a group of graduate students. They were given the assignment to create support groups for fathers, grandparents and siblings who had someone with special needs in their life. The Fathers Network became part of Kindering in 1985 and has filled the need of helping men engage with other men who have a special needs child in their life. When two people have a child, whether the child has special needs or not, dads tend to be more removed because in our society, even where both parents are working, it's still primarily the norm that the mom takes kids to school, doctor appointments and after school activities. Dad is a little removed with what's happening with the kids, but when you add the special healthcare needs component to it, there's even more isolation. Mom tends to have a better social network and she's willing to tap into that network and ask for help where dads become more isolated and not asking for help or talking to anyone. Even where the diagnosis may be different, the opportunity to meet other men or a group of men who are going through the same experiences with their children, can be really powerful. That's why the Fathers Network was created- to create those connections, supports and resources for men who have kids with special needs. I want the Fathers Network to been seen as an organization that promotes and works to make our society a place where everyone is welcome everywhere and accommodations are built in to make that possible.
How do you get men to come to the Fathers Network and be a part of it and how do they find out about it?
It's not easy to engage men. Most men come to us because their wife or significant other has told them to come. A lot of men want to be problem solvers and take care of things, so part of engaging them is making sure what's offered is more of a benefit to the child then to them. They don't want it to be about them, but they want something to help them to help their child. There's no one answer to this. We have one-on-one meeting opportunities, support groups, resources, social activities, conferences and even family activities.
Can you talk about the personal story workshop?
Telling Your Story With A Purpose is a workshop that was developed by a couple of people at Seattle Children's and I've taken it over. Originally this was focused on just men, but because of low engagement, it didn't work out that way and we opened it up to moms and dads. The workshop takes parents through a process to get them to engage in advocating for something they feel strongly about that affects their families and other families as well. The process is built to prepare parents for advocating to a decision maker in a very short amount of time. We have them think about a challenge or problem they're facing or have faced and how the problem affects families. We avoid personal advocacy and focus on systems advocacy. Then we have them think about what needs to change and getting very specific about it. Then we have them think about who has the power to make the change. The idea is that if you share your story with someone instead of presenting data to a decision maker, that it's impactful, makes an emotional connection and they share your story. The workshop focuses on practicing, defining specific asks and having a clear message.
When fathers are looking for a resource and come to you, what happens next? What is the process?
If they want to talk to me one-on-one in person or by phone, I'm happy to do that. If they need a resource, I can email them the information or direct them to those resources to research and read on their own. Sometimes a father's first connection with us is through a social event they've found out about. My observation is that social media has had an impact on how often we get men to come to meetings. When a father gets a diagnosis and turns to the internet for information, they tend to find a support group to join. For men that don't want to appear vulnerable, they can be anonymous, ask questions and get answers and information that way. For men that come to meet, talk and learn in person, they find so much value in that, but for some that's not for them and we try to accommodate everyone.
What changes do you see in the dads coming to the group and how do you see them change over time?
It's very individualized. Some come to a meeting or social activity because they're pushed to and it's uncomfortable for them. It will take these fathers some time to get comfortable, loosen up and talk about his story. On the other extreme a father may be very willing to engage and if we weren't in existence, he would invent the Fathers Network. Then you have all the men somewhere in the middle. What we hope for the dad who has been pushed to be there is that he stays long enough to engage with at least one other dad, establish a personal connection and gets what he needs out of the meeting. Hopefully they all get to the point that they know there's a group of men out there that they can connect with when they need to.
Can you tell me about some of your future goals for the Fathers Network?
I'm interested in expanding the network to provide more resources in other parts of the state, other groups and chapters in other parts of the state. I'd like to also expand the network into immigrant communities and communities of color. I think a lot of those communities are underserved and those roles and the way the children are perceived are very entrenched. There are some additional barriers to work through in those communities, but the need is there and I'd like to find ways to impact that. I'd like to expand the work we're already doing, training men to be advocates and doing more to promote community inclusion.
How has it changed your perspective within the community and as a dad since working with people with disabilities and complex medical needs?
It changed me as a dad when my kids were younger and I was working in a special needs school classroom because it helped me to provide my children with a different perspective on a community they may not have engaged with otherwise. For awhile, I was coaching Special Olympics and they got to come along and interact with the athletes. It helped me give my children a different exposure and that happened because I had a different exposure. When I left the school district and worked with United Way, my primary role there was training people of color to serve on the boards of non-profit organizations. That led me to connect with a lot of people who work in the area of diversity. In working with the special needs community, it has broadened my perspective on the definition of diversity. It's not just race, gender or sexual orientation. The issues regarding people with disabilities or healthcare needs is down at the bottom of the list if it even makes the list. It has given me a different perspective on diversity and the need for inclusion for everyone. That's made a real impact on me personally.
What is your most impactful, memorable stories?
It's a story from the Fathers Network that has been handed down to me. It's the story of a dad who was coming to group meetings for awhile and then stopped coming. One day he showed up and said the only reason he was there was because his son has now been toilet trained and nobody he knew understood how important that was to him except for the other dads in the group. He came to share that. That wraps up in one story the importance of the Fathers Network and men connecting with men.
CONNECT WITH LOUIS
Address: 19801 North Creek Pkwy, Bothell, WA 98011
Phone: (425) 653-4286
Email: louis.mendoza@kindering.org
Fathers Network on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/FathersNetworkWA/
Kindering on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/KinderingCenter/
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